Saturday, July 31, 2010

The importance of family

What does family mean to you? According to Webster's Dictionary the definition of family is a group of persons of common ancestry. Well yeah that pretty much sums it up but it lacks the very thing that makes a family a family. Love. To me my family is everything. They are my blood, my friends, people that I love and people that I would do anything for. Right now my family is in a lot of pain. Every one is hiding it. We are all very good at hiding our emotions. Must be passed down through our genes LOL. 

The reason I am writing this post is because my Grandpa's health is failing, rapidly. About 10 months ago he was diagnosed with renal cancer. He has had it before and had a kidney removed and has been in remission for longer then I can remember. This time is has metastasized to many of his organs and he also has a tumor attached to his shoulder blade area. I don't know the medical term for it. Over the passed few months the tumor has become more and more noticeable. The Dr's says it's growing a centimeter a week. A few days ago my mom was informed that there is now another tumor growing just as rapidly. The prognosis is not good. They are giving him a few more weeks if that. 

Now here's the part where I break down, except that I can't. It breaks my heart to know that soon my Grandpa will not be here but I am more terrified then anything. My family has been blessed that we have not lost anyone pretty much since I was born. I have only been to two funerals growing up. But I'm not sure how to react. Before my Grandparents moved out here when we were just finding things out I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I was devastated. But it is 10 months later and he is still here. I know this is childish of me but some part of me just keeps thinking it's not real, he will continue to be here for a very long time. Even though I know it's not real I still believe it. I do not know how to handle death. It terrifies me to the point I have cried myself to sleep out of fear of dying. Literally given into exhaustion and I do not remember going to sleep, only crying.

I know time is nearing and I have been avoiding going to see him. It tears me up inside knowing the truth and yet I still can't bear to see him sick. All I want to do is cry when I see him but I can't do that to him. I need to stay strong because he is so depressed with the realization that his life is coming to an end. I also have a hard time with my youngest going over there because not only does he have a very short attention span and his fits are very hard on my Grandparents but he doesn't like them. Let me rephrase that, he doesn't know them so he isn't friendly with them and it breaks my heart. I wish for him to be able to play with them and when he is my age to remember the fun times he had with them. When I got married I told myself the one thing I wanted was for my Grandparents to be able to experience being Great Grandparents. They were blessed with that six years ago and I don't want it to end.

I know I am rambling now but it's what I do when I have something that means a lot to me. I guess why I wrote this was to let the truth out, not for anyone else but for me. I like to live in denial and this is one case that I cannot continue to do so. I know I will regret for the rest of my life not spending as much time with my Grandpa as I can. So it is time to put on my big girl panties and to do the right thing. I've already talked to my mom and were planning on going over there tomorrow and this time I will actually do it.

If you are a praying person would you mind keeping my Grandpa in your prayers. If you are not then could you please keep him in your thoughts. Thank you very much!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

This is a picture I took a few days ago while playing outside with the chitlens. It came out even better then I anticipated, at least in my eyes LOL


Monday, July 26, 2010

Just another manic monday

Whoa oh ohhh. Totally love that song. It's not really a manic Monday, but it is Monday! I'm sure I wont have as much enthusiam when my oldest starts back up with school, but hey for right now it works.

As I sit here and drink my coffee I am trying to decide what to do today. And surprise surprise, nothing is popping into my head. I'm trying to keep the kids out of any public places as per my hubby's request but man is it driving them and me crazy being cooped up inside all day since last week. I completely understand that my husband needs to avoid getting sick right now but ahhhhhhhhhh, what do they say??? Calgon take me away! I have no idea what Calgon is but hey if they/he/them/whoever can take me away I am all for it.

Maybe I will take the chitlens over to my moms house so they can go swimming and hopefully ::::crossing fingers::::: wear off some of their energy. I just have to forbid my sister (who is sick) to stay the heck away from us. Have I mentioned that she is 26 years old and lives in a converted garage, now apartment, with her three year old daughter and boyfriend. I will stop there before I go any further on that story.

So yes, as I was saying swimming. My kids LOVE to swim. Well my oldest use to love it but he had a scary incident when he was three and well the love is lost. Were working on getting it back though. We work on it every summer and don't get me wrong, he loves the idea of swimming but when it actually comes to getting in the water and moving beyond the first step it becomes a fight. But like I said were working on it and last time he went in he swam across the whole pool, with floaties and a raft BUT he still did it! Just have to work on his doing it with no floating help.
Quick side note, I took the kids outside yesterday after dinner for popsicles. Shawn has never had one (at least that I can remember) and he makes a mess with anything he eats so I knew Popsicles were an automatic no no in the house. Anywho, here's a few pics of my chitlens enjoying their special treat.

Okay well all this talk about swimming has me anxious to get my day started now. The sooner I finish my chores (I used to hate that word growing up, now it makes me laugh that is consumes most of my time) the sooner we can all go enjoy a nice cooling dip in the pool.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

It's a sunshine day

Yesterday was warm but still a beautiful day outside so I took Samantha and Shawn outside for a little bit to let them run off some energy. We live in a condominium complex so we have a nice big grass area right outside our home. Of course the kids had a blast. They were running around playing with the trees having a good ole time when oh, what's that I see??? SPRINKLERS!!!!!!

As soon as they saw them they bolted for them.

They ran through them and put their hands on the sprinklers and just well, got soaked LOL. They had so much fun running from sprinkler to sprinkler it was just too cute. It was a nice way to cool down on a warm day and have fun in the process.

Friday, July 16, 2010

What is wrong with you!

Before I start this post I would like to say if you're here to judge me, just close the page and move right along. I am human and like everyone else I have my ups and downs. I am posting this to get it off my chest and if my family, friends, followers read it, then they can know why I haven't been myself lately. Advice support, yeah I would never turn that down, but please don't leave anything negative on my page. Thank you.

I have been asking myself almost every day for the passed couple of weeks what is wrong with me! It's like I'm Shana in the looking glass. I aware of how I am acting and it pains me to see it but it's almost like it's not me, I'm just watching this stuff happen. I mean that can't possibly be me, I'm not that big of a bitch (normally). My husband and I recently quit smoking so I know that can add some extra emotions in there but not like this. Oh and yes I was a closet smoker for over a year.

My life is one big stress bubble. I wear most of my emotions on my sleeve and if I'm pissed you know it, unless you are my family. For some reason I still cannot show some of my true feelings around my family. I am the one who tries to please everyone and ends up getting hurt because of it. I am the one who gets asked for favors but when I do the asking I don't always get helped. It is who I am and I know and accept that. I have a big heart, absolutely nothing wrong with that. But back to my original thought process here.

I think I am depressed. That's right, I said the big ugly D word. Depressed. WHAT on earth does a stay at home mother to three children have to be down about. Well I have no freaking clue! I love my family. If there is such a thing as loving them beyond absolute love, that is how I feel about them. But every day I sit here and cry and scream inside my head because I can't stand to be touched by them or anyone else. It's not all the time thank god. Don't get me wrong I love my kisses and hugs and cuddles with my babies.

As I sit here typing this out I am crying. I know this is not how it's supposed to be. My kids are very attached to me. They are all "mamas babies". Always have been and I hope they always will be but please oh please is it too much to ask that they don't hang on me, or crowd me when I try to sit down, or fight with each other to touch me or sit next to me. I feel like a complete bitch telling my kids not to touch me or to move to the other side of the couch (Again PLEASE do not judge me, these are my feelings and as wrong as they are, and I know they are I can't help but feel them). I also have been yelling a lot. I never used to yell. I have always been the calm one.

I also feel this way with my husband. We have been fighting like cats and dogs (I despise that expression but in this case it is true). Anything and everything he does bugs the schnot out of me. Same goes for stuff he says. We have talked and he has admitted he is judgmental and he needs to stop being that way with me which I'm glad we've gotten that out there but I take offense to almost everything he says. I know he has his troubles, he works full time and once fall semester starts he will be back in school full time. He is the sole provider for our family which I know is stressful on him. And right now were trying to decide out our future living situations.
There are soooooo many things I am unsure in my life right now and it's driving me insane. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I used to see someone but I wasn't feeling the way I do right now. It was just to talk and get things out. I stopped because well it was a waste of time. No I don't think me stopping had anything to do with how I feel now. I don't even know if I am depressed or if I'm just tired and stressed all the time. Again, something I am unsure of.

I am going to end this before it turns into a short novel. I just had to get all of this off my chest. Still not even sure if this was the right place to do it. Maybe I should have typed it but never posted it. Oh well. This is me and what I am going through right now and if you don't like it feel free to un follow me or move right along. I know I'm not everyone's cup o' tea and that's okay with me.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Summer time or bust!

Since summer is upon us we have been trying to keep the kids busy. That way no one gets too bored or cabin fever and drives themselves along with the rest of us insane. Hey it happens to the best of us. This past week we have gone to the park four times and the mall four times. The park is fun because the kids get to run around and get their energy out. The mall is fun because it has a small play area, and hello, it's air conditioned! We usually walk around the mall one, or two or maybe three times if were really bored. I picked up some tickets to the Aquarium of the Pacific so hopefully we will be able to go there next week sometime. We need to find some local things because the park and mall every day can get a tad old. Especially when I can't even shop while were at the mall. How unfair is that!
Here are a few pics from one of our days at the park.

My boys going down the slide together

This picture was taken by Jr. I thought it came out pretty neat and slightly dizzying

My little dare devil Samantha. When I saw this shot I couldn't believe how high my husband was pushing her, his excuse, well she's the one who says higher lol

My Shawn man