I have been asking myself almost every day for the passed couple of weeks what is wrong with me! It's like I'm Shana in the looking glass. I aware of how I am acting and it pains me to see it but it's almost like it's not me, I'm just watching this stuff happen. I mean that can't possibly be me, I'm not that big of a bitch (normally). My husband and I recently quit smoking so I know that can add some extra emotions in there but not like this. Oh and yes I was a closet smoker for over a year.
My life is one big stress bubble. I wear most of my emotions on my sleeve and if I'm pissed you know it, unless you are my family. For some reason I still cannot show some of my true feelings around my family. I am the one who tries to please everyone and ends up getting hurt because of it. I am the one who gets asked for favors but when I do the asking I don't always get helped. It is who I am and I know and accept that. I have a big heart, absolutely nothing wrong with that. But back to my original thought process here.
I think I am depressed. That's right, I said the big ugly D word. Depressed. WHAT on earth does a stay at home mother to three children have to be down about. Well I have no freaking clue! I love my family. If there is such a thing as loving them beyond absolute love, that is how I feel about them. But every day I sit here and cry and scream inside my head because I can't stand to be touched by them or anyone else. It's not all the time thank god. Don't get me wrong I love my kisses and hugs and cuddles with my babies.
As I sit here typing this out I am crying. I know this is not how it's supposed to be. My kids are very attached to me. They are all "mamas babies". Always have been and I hope they always will be but please oh please is it too much to ask that they don't hang on me, or crowd me when I try to sit down, or fight with each other to touch me or sit next to me. I feel like a complete bitch telling my kids not to touch me or to move to the other side of the couch (Again PLEASE do not judge me, these are my feelings and as wrong as they are, and I know they are I can't help but feel them). I also have been yelling a lot. I never used to yell. I have always been the calm one.
I also feel this way with my husband. We have been fighting like cats and dogs (I despise that expression but in this case it is true). Anything and everything he does bugs the schnot out of me. Same goes for stuff he says. We have talked and he has admitted he is judgmental and he needs to stop being that way with me which I'm glad we've gotten that out there but I take offense to almost everything he says. I know he has his troubles, he works full time and once fall semester starts he will be back in school full time. He is the sole provider for our family which I know is stressful on him. And right now were trying to decide out our future living situations.
There are soooooo many things I am unsure in my life right now and it's driving me insane. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I used to see someone but I wasn't feeling the way I do right now. It was just to talk and get things out. I stopped because well it was a waste of time. No I don't think me stopping had anything to do with how I feel now. I don't even know if I am depressed or if I'm just tired and stressed all the time. Again, something I am unsure of.
I am going to end this before it turns into a short novel. I just had to get all of this off my chest. Still not even sure if this was the right place to do it. Maybe I should have typed it but never posted it. Oh well. This is me and what I am going through right now and if you don't like it feel free to un follow me or move right along. I know I'm not everyone's cup o' tea and that's okay with me.
