Shawn is three months

I can't believe my little man is three months old already! Where has the time gone, obviously way to fast gosh dangit. I tell him all the time to stop growing up so fast, it's just not fair. And the fact that he is a HUGE baby doesn't help. HE weighs 18 lbs and is 26.5 inches tall. Jr weighed 18 lbs at one year old! And he only weighs 5 lbs less then Samantha.
He is a wonderful baby, happy as can be and just the best addition to complete our family. I couldn't have asked for anything better. His big brother and sister LOVE holding him and making him laugh. And I love watching it. It's so heart warming to see my kids play together.

At a loss

I think this is the most upset, depressed, down, whatever you want to call it, that I've been in years. I don't want to talk about it though.
On a side note Jr is staying at the fair with my mom and sister. He loves spending time with my family, doesn't matter where they are just that he's with them.

I don't get it

Just when I start feeling like things might be looking up I get hit with a ton of shit. In this case it's bills. Our electric bill because we had the old house also is 745 bucks.! Our gas bill is 300 also because of the old house. Oh and I got an explanation of benefits from our old insurance company for Shawn's hospital stay, that was 50 THOUSAND dollars. I am so scared to see what the actual bill is from our new insurance company since it's a PPO. So much for things looking up. I don't know how were expected to make a living for our children when were being raped by medicals bills and just bills in general.
I HATE THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh okay done venting, I might go cry now.

Saturday

Let's see what do I need to do today.

1. Laundry
2. Vacuum
3. Make the kids beds back up since I washed their sheets
4. Unpack some more boxes
5. Go with Steve to clean my parents pool
6. Maybe see if the kids and I can go to the fair to see my sister, scratch that were going tomorrow
7. Oh yeah, shower....lol

I think that's about it. I really should get off my butt and go do it huh. Maybe while Steve is cleaning the pool I'll take Shawn and go for a walk around the block. Hope everyone is havign a great weekend.

Hmmmm

So every school or daycare that I've looked into about possibly working there as some type of assistant wants at least 12 ce credits. I've always wanted to be a teacher but have put my wants aside. I'm also realistic and now that with three kids and no one to watch them it's not really something I can do. But I'm thinking that maybe I can do it part time online. Just a thought, not jumping into anything because I can't financially right now but now that the possibility is there I might look into it later.
On a side note. I started getting chest pains again today. It better not be because I went walking. But let me tell you pushing a 4.5 yr old and a 1.5 yr old in a double stroller is hard and then carrying Shawn in my carrier. I had a good work out with that even though it was a short walk. I have a feeling it has to do with my weight. When i get heavy I start getting chest pains and well I'm slowly gaining weight. I hate my body. Why can't I just stay at the weight after I have a baby and not gain only loose. Every time I pop a kid out I do GREAT and loosing all the baby weight but after about two months it always creeps back up. I hate my body. I am so scared of ending up obese. But man I have no motivation to get off my ass and do anything about it. I just let it get to me and get me down and that's it. Ugh I make myself sick sometimes.
Okay done with the pitty party. I think it's bed time now.

Happy 21 months Sam!

Happy 21 months Samantha!

She is just the best little girl I could have ever asked for, Yes the girl gives me a freaking heart attack every day because she is such a mischievous little thing but I love her to death. She is so sweet and loves her brothers and Daddy and she still is a mommy's girl :) So I just had to come on here and tell her Happy 21 months baby girl! Can't beleive she's almost TWO!

Jr's First Soccer Practice

Today at 4 Jr had his first soccer practice. It was a mad dash before hand to get a ball, shin guards and cleats. Yes, bad mommy waited until the last minute to get his supplies. Well I didn't get a call from the coach until Monday so I really didn't have that much since I didn't have a car. Any ways. three stores later we got all the stuff he needed :) He was soooooo CUTE at practice. When the coach would ask a question all the kids would raise their hands and Jr would look around and raise his too even though he had no clue what the coach was talking about. He ran and ran and ran it was awesome, and the boy still is full of energy! Each of the kids told the coach what they thought their team name should be and then he picked from a bag. So Jr's team name is Soccer Monsters....lol I am in charge of the banner, I have to say I'm proud of myself for volunteering to help. I'm trying to get myself out there a bit more. Here are a couple pictures from his practice today!

Stretch!

Go Jr!

Hi fives



All done, going home

Bored

Here I sit, 11:38 pm all the kids are asleep and I am wide awake and bored. What should I do....hmmm. I already did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I can't vacuum cause I don't want to wake anyone up. I have four boxes sitting here that need to be collapsed and taken out to the trash but I'll leave that for Steve. I am going to go shower in a little bit so I can get the smell of spit up off me. Actually Shawn's reflux has been much better lately. Don't know why but I'm not complaining.
Oh little bit of an update on the drama in my life. I got a notice in the mail today that we have to go back to court on the 25th at 8:30 am so I'm assuming we will be there all day again like last time which sucks big monkey balls. This time I am making sure Steve will be there even though the freaking notice is in my name. Same as last time but I don't want the judge to talk shit to me again. And now Steve has to take a day off of work for this shit. This is bs you know that! Ugh
Okay enough of that crap. The kids are doing great. Jr and Sam are always full of energy and are great little kiddos. Shawn is just adorable and such a good baby. He did have a little bit of a rough time napping cause Sam kept waking him up ;( but he's asleep now, well actually has been for a while. He wont be getting up until around 3am, hopefully.
Okay enough random chatter, I'm off to shower.

Here's a couple pics of my babies




Jr man during a bath

My little Shirley Temple

Here's our little man fast asleep sucking on two of his fingers

Saturday

Here we are, Saturday, Steve's last day off before he goes back to work and I am completely bored! He was gone most of the day yesterday helping his cousin move and Thursday, well isn't that sad I can't remember that far back! I remember what we had for dinner but not during the day. I made Amanda's Baked Chicken recipe and it was so good. Can't wait to make it again.
See I did it again. I started writing this at 9am this morning and here I sit, 10:40 pm finishing it. Hey at least I remembered ;)
We went over to my parents today so Steve could clean their pool and we could spend time with them. As always we had a good time. Dinner was yummy, bbq chicken with baked beans and broccoli. But my poor little Samantha. She has been running a low grade fever all day. 100.2 is what it stayed at but while we were at my parents I could feel she was a little warmer. Not much but she was at 101. So I gave her some tylenol and put her down to bed. You could tell she wasn't feeling well today. She was mommy attached and had tired eyes all day. I feel so sad for my babies when they're sick but I love all the cuddle time I get with them. Hopefully she will be feeling better tomorrow.
Jr is staying the night at my parents. He LOVES staying there. He's like a kid in a candy store when you tell him he's staying there. He gets so happy. I love that he is so close with my parents. The boy is pure energy and he has a chance to run off some of that energy over there that he can't here since we don't have a yard.
Shawn is just the happiest little man. When we first got to my parents I went into the kitchen to get the chicken marinating since my mom wasn't home and for a good two minutes he just sat there farting and smiling. It was so funny. You can already see his little personality shining through. He loves watching Sam and Jr play and just seeing them makes them happy. I LOVE it.
I never thought I would say I'm happy we wont be having any more babies but I am finally at peace with it now. I am so in love with my family. They are perfect. Everything about them is amazing to me. Our family of five is complete and now we get to sit back and enjoy our lives as a family.

Shawn's Birth Story

Okay so I know he was born almost three months ago, but hey better late then never right ;)

Shawn Matthew Dieli's Birth Story

I woke up on Friday, May 30, 2008 at 7:08 a.m. and immediately started feeling contractions. I sat down at the computer and started timing them. Surprisingly they were all at 3 minutes apart. There were a couple that were 5 minutes apart and then they were back to 3 minutes and 2 minutes apart. I was in denial for the first half hour that it could be real labor. I had woken up that morning with the intention of getting all my last minute stuff done before the baby. But he had other plans. My friend Gena finally convinced me that I should call my midwife and this was more then likely real labor! I contacted my midwife around 8:00 and she was like your not in labor are you? I laughed and said actually I believe I am. So she said okay I will drop my kids off and grab my stuff and be on my way. She was coming from Whittier which is an hour and a half away so she rushed to get here. As soon as I hung up with her I called Steve and told him I think that he needed to come home. So he also left right then. I then called my mom and told her I needed her here to help me so she went and got my sister from school and came over. I had taken a shower to help me through the contractions and brought the kids in with me. By the time my mom got here at 9:10 a.m. I was bent over the side of my bed breathing through the contractions and the kids were still playing in the shower. My sister helped me with the kids and Laura had called my mom asking her to go buy some last minute supplies for the birth. So she left and it was just me, the kids and my sister. My sister made them breakfast and kept them busy which I am very grateful for.

By the time my mom got back which was around 9:45-10:00 it was a mad rush. They lined the bed with a shower curtain and lots of towels and then put one on the floor also in case I wanted to move.I "quickly" got onto the bed in all fours position with a pillow under my arms. Steve walked in a couple minutes later. I was so happy he was finally home. He came over and held my hand the whole time. I told my mom I feel like I need to push because I was having pressure in my lower butt area. She then picked up the phone and called Laura and was like what do I do. I found it kind of funny she called Laura and not Christy but my mom had never talked to Christy so it made sense. She said it might help to put pressure on the sides of my hips, HOLY CRAP that did not help. Steve was like no no she does not like that.
About 5 minutes later Christy came running in. She quickly got gloves, grabbed her jar of olive oil, rubbed it on me and said okay whenever your ready Shana. I never thought that I would be a screamer, but man oh man did I scream. Christy told me that the screaming doesn't help because it makes me tighten which pushes the baby back in.

Soooooo I tried my hardest to grunt/breath instead of screaming. I think I did pretty well, at least they told me I was. Finally after about 3-4 pushes the head was out. Christy said hello to the baby and giggled and said she always loves this part because it's their first look at the new world. Everyone was like someone take a pic and my sister Tia was the only one right there with a camera and she was very hesitant (she is 17) so I said told her "Just take the fucking picture Tia". But I wasn't yelling it or being mean. I actually sounded quite calm. Everyone got a good laugh out of that one. Two more pushes and we had a baby at 10:31 a.m.! He 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 21 1/4 inches long and just absolutely beautiful. Jr was the one to announce that it was a boy :) I was so excited and I KNEW it was a boy! Steve was in shock. He was totally convinced we were going to have a girl...hehe

It was an absolutely amazing birth experience. I enjoyed doing it all natural and being in my home, my own element. It was very comfortable and no one was telling me what to do or how to do it. It was all up to me. Example, when Christy said okay I'm ready Steve asked does she push now and her reply was whenever Shana feels the need to. She is in control here, it's her body and she will know what to do when the time is right. And I love her look on birth. In a hospital it's the Dr who delivers your baby but that's not how she see's it. It's the mother who delivered the baby, the Dr, midwife, whoever is there to assist but the mom did all the work.
So that was how our beautiful bouncing baby boy was born!

hehe

I can't go into details but hehe, fun fun fun. And damn I am wide awake, don't think I'll be going to sleep any time soon.

Hello.....

Is there anybody in there??? Sorry Pink Flloyd reference. Here I sit, 1:19 am and wide awake. I decided to treat myself and have a little drink. One once in a while can't hurt right??? I realized today, yes it took me 26 years years, that I am too hard on myself. I can't help it. It's who I am BUT I am going to try and change that. I need to work my ass out and get some better self esteem and not beat myself up over every little thing that doesn't go right in my life. I feel as though it's all my fault even though I know it's not.
Random thought, I love my family more then anything. I would do or give up anything for them. They are my world. I am so blessed to have three healthy and beautiful children and an amazing husband that asks me to open up and vent to him. He listens to me and cares and he will just hold me when I want to be held. I am so glad I have him, he is my rock and I love him so much.
Okay I think that's enough random ramblings for tonight. I'm sure I could go on but I don't know if you want to know everything ;)

In a funk

I just can't seem to get out of this. It's better then before. I can actually eat although I did have to force myself to eat breakfast. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm never down like this, especially for this long. I got a wonderful slap in the face yesterday. I had a guy comment that I have another kid on the way. Gee talk about a self esteem booster huh :( I know I shouldn't take shit like that to heart but I do. It hurts me. I'm already very unhappy with my body and then just makes it ten times worse.
ugh, I can't even finish writing this

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Now playing: Lacuna Coil - 1.19
via FoxyTunes

What a waste

Today was a complete and total waste of my time. I was at court bright and early at 7:45 am. At 11:30 they came out and said they wont be able to see us and to come back at 1:30 so in other words, Lunch break. Come back at 1:30 and I don't get called back until 3:30! I'm so thankful that my mom was there and offered to take Sam and Jr home with her while Shawn and I stayed and waited. I finally get in and the judge is like who are you, where is Steve. I'm like I am his wife, it's my name that appears on the motion that was scheduled for court. In a matter of two minutes he managed to make me feel like a tiny little mouse. He made me feel stupid and totally depressed that no matter what he was going to deny my motion. He said plain and simple we make "too much money" according to their guidelines. BTW we only make about 350 more then their guidelines and imo their guidelines are shit. It's so hard to make due here in California and especially for a family of five with two in diapers.
I walked out of the courtroom and just burst into tears. I had such high hopes that I would walk in and they would dismiss it based on what a load of shit this whole thing is or they would say oh your case was already dismissed. So now we wait for a hearing date. Honestly I don't get it. We have so many things on our side but I couldn't even get a word in with the judge to discuss it. But then again I don't think it was the time to bring it up. I'm just worried what is going to happen since I can't afford to pay them the 200 fee that we now owe for filing a response, and possibly an extra 200 since we had to file separately. I would go into a rampage right now on how much I despise Ian but I will spare any readers.

Court

Just a little update. I have to go to court tomorrow morning. This is for the fee waiver I filed because well I just can't afford $200 to file a response for both Steve and I. Shit I can't even afford the one fee. Anyways so that is why I will be at court tomorrow. Please if anyone reads this can you keep me in your thoughts for a positive outcome. I'm hoping and praying the case was dismissed because we no longer live in the residence and then I wont have to pay the fees and if that's the case I want to see if they will do a motion to reverse the decision on Steve's application because they denied it :( So that is best case scenario.
I'm very nervous. I've never been to court before and this is very emotional for me because this is Ian who is doing this to me and my family. So yeah again if anyone reads this would you please keep me in your thoughts. I'll update when I get home tomorrow.

Sad

I don't know what's wrong with me. It started yesterday. I feel depressed but without all the signs. I'm kind of bummed throughout the day and I have completely lost my appetite. I haven't eaten but a couple chips and cantaloupe since Friday night. All I want is Steve to hold me. Nothing else. I want a break from screaming and crying kids and to just be held by Steve. When I'm in his arms I feel safe and like nothing can go wrong. He;s my rock always has been and always will be. Last night he said I was following him around like a little puppy dog and I was. I don't think I've ever felt this way before and I know I'm not explaining it all right or all of how I feel. I can't really put it into words. Not sure why.
Okay well I doubt any of this post made any sense so I'm going to go get ready for my day.